Last Eight, It's Great.

Big, big, big big big game in the quarter finals of the world cup today.

Did I mention it was a big game today?

Now the other World Cup Quotes ...

There was talk that he was supposedly better than me, but do you replace a long-time No1, who is playing consistently, just because someone else is a tick better?" - Olivier Kahn breaks his tournament grimace to criticise Jurgen Klinsmann for making Jens Lehmann Germany's number one. This is the same Olivier Kahn who, in May, held a press conference to announce: "Jürgen Klinsmann has taken his decision, I've accepted it, I've thought about it and I've decided to do what's best for the team. We've got to rise above talk of a rivalry between Kahn and Lehmann. We need to be positive so we can achieve our goal. It's more important that I give my support to the whole team so that we can achieve our objective - to be world champions." (",)

We have won three matches in this World Cup and in those three matches now we have had good goals not given by the referee - for Ayala against Ivory Coast, for me in the second match and now for Messi against Mexico. Referees can make mistakes but at a high level you have to question whether they are the right people" - Hernan Crespo joins in the great refereeing debate. Not that they've been great, obviously. Scandalous, more like. (",)

DONT MISS THIS ONE (",)

World Cup Widows

Here are seven ways for women to take men on at their own game and make sure they are not sidelined for the duration of the final 10 days of world cup fever:

1. Join Them: One way to make sure you do not feel left out is to become a supporter yourself. If you know nothing about football, Soccer Tips for Dummies by Michael Lewis (Hungry Minds Inc) may help you get the hang of the off-side rule or try The Thinking Fan's Guide to the World Cup (Abacus) for some insight on what makes your man tick. Alternatively, get your partner to talk you through it and explain the rules. One word of warning: Don't expect chat during the match.

2. Play Away: Not infidelity but finding something else, rather than someone else, to fill that void in your life. A survey in Britain found that 30 percent of World Cup widows would rather go shopping than watch a match while another 30 percent said they would prefer a meal with friends. If you are in a part of the world like Asia where games are on after shops close for the night, you could try going to the bed early with a good book and earplugs, have a late night out with like-minded friends or retreat to your own space with the DVDs you would never watch together.

3. Play Fair: Fair play is all part of "the beautiful game," which means your partner should know to play by the rules and be prepared to give something back to you for being so understanding. Organise some quality time to be together and with the family or go for a trade-off: Tell him you will keep out of the way if he promises something in return.

4. Stand By Your Fan: Even if you don't watch you can cash in on the emotions the game produces to build a closer relationship. If your partner's side loses, be the shoulder to cry on and when they win, share the joy and celebrate with him. Durex company has produced a range of World Cup condoms in three varieties (England, Germany and Brazil) which seem tailor-made for such an occasion. Relationship counsellor Sharon Glick says what you should not do is to ignore your partner's misery if his team loses or tell him not to be so silly.

5. Enjoy The Spectacle From The Sidelines: Even if you find football really is a bore, you can still enjoy the festival fever, gossip and human tales of tragedy and triumph, which go hand in hand with a big tournament. Go along to a bar screening of the big matches with your partner and just enjoy the atmosphere, kissing after the goals and hugs of commiseration in the worst-case scenario.

6. Get The Whole Team Involved: Children too can feel neglected. Make the big matches family events. Encourage the children to watch games, dress in the colours of your team or paint your faces. Children will love being part of the event and sharing something with their parents. Plan a football dinner or even a party. Decorate the house in your team colours and invite other footballing friends, widows and families over too.

7: Don't Cry Foul: Dirty play and dramatics is no more appreciated off the pitch than on. Whatever you do, don't try to win back your partner's affection by using tactics like temper tantrums, sulks, threats and pulling the plug on the television. Do that, and you may find yourself taking an early bath alone and may even force your partner to seek refuge at more welcoming venues such as a friend's house or bars. (",)

Football Crazy

The Expert - Mark Lawrenson said after David Beckham had bent his unstoppable free-kick over the wall, seen it completely evade the goalkeeper and take the paint off the post on its way into the back of the net: "I think that was a good free-kick." (",)

'Back Off Becks - It's Not His Fault He's Missing His Right-Hand Man: David Beckham needs Gary Neville back on the pitch, says Gary Neville.' (",)

As the England team were getting changed before the game last week, Joe Cole notices that his skipper is wearing a pair of skimpy knickers."Hey, David," he asks. "Since when have you been wearing sexy knickers?"Becks looks rueful. "Since Victoria found them in the glove compartment." (",)

No Trophy For England

England won't get near winning the World Cup and will finish the tournament in eighth place - according to mathematicians.

Boffins at Warwick University reckon the team walking away with the title will be Brazil.

After checking the results of 5,000 of the most recent games and compiling data on how 200 teams have been performing, researchers came up with statistics for all 32 qualifying entrants.

They say bookies have been overconfident giving odds of 21% to Brazil, though the team still comes top based on their figures with a 17% chance.

The maths experts say bookmakers are up to 4% adrift on their odds for Spain - in second place on their leader board.

And fans betting with their hearts rather than their heads explains the 11% chance bookies gave to England compared to the 6% from Warwick University, according to a spokesman.
Dr Henry Stott.

Dr Henry Stott defended the figures, saying: "I'm not looking to break the illusion I just think that there is a role for the passion of watching the games but also a role for objectively assessing them."

Speaking to Sky News he added: "The World Cup so far has been reasonably predictable and we have called about 80% of the games correctly. Normally we are more in the 55% range and most other pundits are usually in the 45% range."

But he admitted that no system is foolproof. "Trinidad drawing against Sweden and one or two other games like that. We only have to look back two years to Greece and people are standing there with their jaws on the table saying 'how did they do that?'"

The researchers are so confident about their workings out that they have placed bets on World Cup games.

To find out more about the odds, check out
www.dectech.org

SHOCK ON THE CARDS

We feel a major World Cup Shock on the cards today (",)

As much as we love to see the Italian Totti, we feel it will be the Soccer Roo's who will be "Banging it it the back of the net" today (",)

"Come on England, Come on England"

Tricky game in the 30c heat today for England, we expect them to get through against Ecuador, but only just and it could be painful to watch.

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the big £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for a cool £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time."

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1million!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!" (",)

Next up is Portugal v Netherlands and the vote goes to Portugal to win this by two clear goals, predicted result 2-0 or 3-1 to Portugal (",)

Who will make it to the 'Quarter Finals' ?

We are into the knock out stages of the world cup now, so we have put all the best soccer babe figures on offer into our, err, our, em cant think of a name for it right now.

Anyway, here are the results

We see the Germans far to strong for Sweden. Germany won there group will 3 wins and maximum points, we see lots of goals in this one, with Germany going onto the quarter finals (",)

In the later game between Argentina and Mexico this looks a cracker, with even more goals predicted in this one, but Argentina will progress into the last eight of the World Cup. (",)

Remember where you heard it first (",)

World Cup W.A.G's (wife and girlfriends)

England's support comes in the form of Ashley Cole's girlfriend Cheryl Tweedy (L) and Victoria Beckham, flanked by Wayne Rooney's girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin in the center

Girlfriend of England wunderkind Theo Walcott, Melanie Slade, takes in the German sights during the World Cup.

And Mrs Peter Crouch is all dressed up and looks forward to a night out on the town. (",)

Ouch & Crouch

Michael Owen is back in the U.K. and the good news is he has not missed much of Royal Ascot. (",)

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson spots a turd on the England training pitch with which he replies"Who's shit on the pitch?"

Crouch replies "I am Boss, but I'm good in the air" (",)

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson told David Beckham that he was thinking about playing him in only part of the next England World Cup match, and has suggested he may pull him off at half time.

"Fantastic" said David I usually only get an orange! (",)

vhy ze germans vill vin ze vorld cup

Look at zheir previous zhree vorld cup vins and do ze maths.

54 x 74 = 3996
-1990 = 2006 Yar.

Respect were respect is due, Maximum points winning all three games out of 3 in Group A.

P3 -W3 - D0 - L0 - F 8 - A 2 - Total Points 9

Right moving on, lets Insult A German – Today.

Germany? Not so much a civilised country as a group of sour faced, kraut loving, mental animal porn-worshipping folk singers banging one out cos' that big-jawed twat Schumacher has started winning again.

I went out with a German woman once, she never used to shave her armpits.She looked like she had Bob Marley in a headlock!

Germany - the only country where the men go down easier than the women.

They say the Brits are a nation of animal lovers. Having seen German porn, I'd say you are too.

But other than that there alright (",)

Ulrika-ka-ka

On the eve on Englands world cup group game with Sweden watch out, watch out Ulrika's about.

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital last night, it was reported that she badly injured herself when she sat on her mobile phone.

However doctors informed that her condition was comfortable, after all it wasn't the first time she's had an Ericsson up her arse !!

It was reported that Ulrika Johnson had vowed to do all she could to help Wayne Rooney recover in time for the World Cup.

The TV presenter claims to be experienced in stiffing the bones of England staff with crutches.

The bookies are not certain that England are what you would call a sure thing tonight, but when asked to explain what they thought a sure thing was, they said that "bumping into Ulrika Johnson while out on a stag night, was there definition of a sure thing." (",)

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat." (",)

If the world cup teams were women.

Brazil - Angelina Jolie
Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over (",)

France - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really (",)

England - Mariah Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. (",)

Germany - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good. (",)

Italy - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars.(",)

Sweden - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Spain - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though. (",)

Argentina - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been, but you're quite interested in what she'sgoing to do next (",)

Australia - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot. (",)

Holland - Joan Collins
Used to look good, but living on past glories. (",)

American Commentary Of The Day"Brazil are going for their sixth World Cup. They've won five before" - ESPN. (",)

Stating The Obvious, Part One"Ronaldo's a big player for Brazil" - John Motson.(",)

It's Only A Game; The Silly Things Women Say Said Alex Hammond on Sky Sports News this morning, to SSN's on-the-spot reporter waiting for news on Wayne Rooney: (",)

World Cup Number Crunching - 85% of all the money placed in the UK for England to lose there opening World Cup Game was staked in Scotland. (",)

What The Rest Of The World Is Saying - This from ESPN's coverage of Portugal vs Angola:

"Portugal, a nation of just over 10 million, it's capital is Lesbian...erm, I mean Lisbon."

No wonder it's such a popular holiday destination.(",)

INGER LAND

Inger-land, Inger-land, Inger-land.

Inger-land, Inger-land, Inger-land.

Inger-land, Inger-land, Inger-land.

Inger-land.........."INGER LAND" (Repeat for most of the match)

Español

Spain set the early pace after the first round of World Cup matches.

4 Goals

3 points

Hay tres clases de personas:

There are three kinds of people:

las que saben contar y las que no.

those who know how to count, and those who don't. (",)

Three women are in club gym locker room getting ready to do a workout.

Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a player at this Football Club." (",)

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend."You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play.

Are you ready?"

"Sure" Pat nods."On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy...

No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"

"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end.

The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Paul Scholes "Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's Ruud Van Nistelroy?"

"Definately" Mick replies."Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"

"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy, that's my final answer... Ruud Van Nistelroy."

"You had £64,000 Pat,

If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..."

There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again"Sorry Pat, you were wrong.

Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000.

Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."As the audience start to applaud Pat asks,

"What was the correct answer, it's killing me!

"The quizmaster replies, "Louis Saha." (",)

GOAAAAAAAAAAL!

England fan came over to Germany for the World Cup.

As he didn't have a ticket he asked a tout outside the gates how much the cheapest one cost.

'£400,' said the tout.

'£400' said the fan. 'Back in Manchester I could get a woman for that!'

'Maybe,' said the tout. 'But you wouldn't get an hour and a half with a Bavarian Oompah Band in the interval!' (",)


A visiting fan turned up at England opening game last week and was told that seats were £25, £40 and £75, and programmes £8.

'OK,' he said cheerfully, 'I'll sit on a programme!' (",)


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the German autobahn and nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England football fans.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"About a gallon and a half" (",)

Great Pair Up Front.

The reigning Miss World –Miss Iceland- was invited to start The charity football match by performing the ceremonial kick-off.

After an excellent game, which raised a great deal of money, a dinner was held.

During the speeches which followed, Miss World made the evening for all present when, in broken English and with great charm, she said,

'It eez great honour for me to kick off your ball; I will be pleased to come back any time to English football clubs and kick all your balls off.'

A big Premier Division team was very anxious to sign up a certain top-class player. However, nothing they offered would induce him to sign and in desperation they stooped to more underhand methods.

The team manager sent his secretary - blonde, 5'2", 38-22-36 - to try to persuade the reluctant striker to sign up.

To his surprise, he heard nothing from the girl for over a week.

Then one morning she walked into his office and said, 'I've got good news and bad new for you, boss.

The good news is - he's ready to sign. The bad news is - he's more than two stone down from his playing weight!'

How to annoy during TV football

1) Turn the sound down low then take the batteries out of all of the remote controls

2) Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times

3) Tell him that there is no beer in the house (",)

Miss-understood Midfielders

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (",)

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"

God Replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Chelsea win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Portsmouth win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!" (“,)

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Everton at Anfield.

The score was nil-nil and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Cop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery.

Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago (“,)

A great footballer was tragically killed and arriving at heaven's gates, he came face-to-face with the angel on duty."Is there any reason why you shouldn't be allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven?"asked the angel. "Well," said the footballer, "there was one time when I cheated in a major international football game.""I see," said the angel, "tell me about it.""Well," said the footballer, "I was playing for Wales against France and I used my hand to push the ball past a French defender. The referee didn't see it and I went on to score.""And what was the final score?" asked the angel."That was the only goal," said the footballer, "We won one-nil.""Well, that's not too serious. I think we can let you in," said the angel."Oh terrific!" exclaimed the footballer, "It's been on my mind for years. Thanks a lot, St: Peter.""That's OK," said the angel, ushering the footballer in, "and by the way, it's St. .Peter's day off today, I'm St. David." (“.)

What is football?
It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and 30,000 referees.
(“,)

Tight Back Four

The government is doing a survey on the average size of a mans penis in England, and have asked that anyone with a penis of 3 inches or less to signify this by flying a white flag with a red cross from their car. (“,)

An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.

After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'

'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'

'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'

'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.' (",)

A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.

It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was. (",)

In the middle of the defensive wall at a free kick, the left back took the ball right in the crotch and he passed out from the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in the local hospital. Though still in pain, he asked the doctor,
"Doc, is it bad? Will I be able to play again?"

"Yes, you should be able to," replied the doctor.
"Oh, great. So I can play for my club again?" said the man, feeling much relieved.

"Well, just as long as they've got a women's team," said the doctor. (",)

A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital.

"For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are."

"That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in." (",)

In Safe Hands

"My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend. Because"I haven't scored for months."

A goalkeeper had had a particularly bad season and announced that he was retiring from professional football.

In a television interview he was asked his reasons for quitting the game.

'Well, basically,' he said, 'it's a question of illness and fatigue.'
'Can you be more specific?' asked the interviewer.

'Well,' said the player, 'specifically the fans are sick and tired of me.'

I'm not saying our goalkeeper is rubbish but...
1) He suffers from repetitive strain injury in his back from continually having to bend over and pick the ball out of the back of the net
2) He is the hero of the other teams supporters club
3) He once saved a penatly and 8 fans we're taking to hospital suffering from shock

Is your goalkeeper getting any better?'
Not really. Last Saturday he let in five goals in the first ten minutes. He was so fed up when he failed to stop the fifth that he put his head in his hands - and dropped it!'

Help for the goalie
It was only the fourth week of the season and United's new goalkeeper had already let in twenty-seven goals. He was having a drink in a pub one night when a man approached him and said,
'I've been watching you play, son, and I think I might be able to help you.'
'Are you a trainer?' said the young goalkeeper hopefully.
'No,' said the stranger, 'I'm an optician.


Soccer Anagram
Enter hot lips = Peter Shilton (",)

The Glorious Day Has Arrived.

Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.



Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around.

Fans: Two sets of absusive referees.

Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.

Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers.

Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging layabout who only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball.

Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area.

Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into comitting fouls.


The following squads have just been announced for the 2006 World Cup

YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Itch

Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch

Hic Sic Spic Pric

Digaditch Fallinaditch

Horseraditch

SUBS:

Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch

RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Whodyanicabolicov

Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov

Slalomsky Downhillsky

Risky Swedishshev Mastershev

Fuckov Ufuckov

SUBS:

Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Ivorripabollockov
Taykitov

ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Chatanoogaciouciou

Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou

Busqueue Snookercu

Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou

I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:

U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu

DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Toomanigoalssen

Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen

Firstsson Seccondsson

Thirdsson

Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen

Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen

SUBS:

Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Baloni

Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli

Wotsontelli Yrarseissmelli Onetoomani

Legslikejelli Havabenni

Wobblijelli Spendapenni

SUBS:

Cantthinkofani!!!

Buggermi

MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

San Francisco

Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly

Manuel Gearbox

Don Criformi-Argentina Skrewdigalz Luis Canon Sombrero

Chihuahua Jose

SUBS:

Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba

DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Kenning van Hire

Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez

Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors

Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe

SUBS:

Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison


Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.

There is no place in the Dutch squad for lesbian tranny, Dick van Dyke.

The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.

GERMANY SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

KUNTS

KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS

KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS
KUNTS
KUNTS

SUBS:
KUNTS
KUNTS
KUNTS
KUNTS
KUNTS
KUNTS

You know soccer is taking over your life when....

You video games of Subbuteo for post game analysis.

You refer to the sofa as a "dugout"

You can recall the names of all of the players who have played in winning World Cup teams, but can't remember your kids name.

Well with the opening ceremony in Germany just a few hours away, lets hope we see plenty of action (she says) (",)

You know your in trouble

You Know You're In Trouble When......

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich....


Your suggestion box starts ticking....

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the Tax Inspector is on line 2, and Local Police is on line 3....

The simple instructions enclosed aren't....

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary....

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together....

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table....

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. (",)

Naked.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...





1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair. (",)

Warning Signs

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com



You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com

"Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://59.myhouse-@iswhereilive.com


Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed.

"You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited.

"Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish. (",)

Important Announcement.

The following is an important announcement...




Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs.""Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. (",)

Lost Wives.

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.


One says to the other, "I'm sorry mate - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, very long legs, nice firm boobs and a tight bottem.

What's your wife look like?" "Never mind about her, I think we should just look for yours!" (".)

Helpful Hints

WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS



The wife says: You want The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes The wife means: No

The wife says: No The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam. (",)

To my dearest wife.

To My Dearest Wife.



During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby


**********************
To My Dearest Husband

I think things are a little confused.

Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.

Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife (",)

Please kiss me

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Two minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Another two minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be having sex with you. (",)