Tight Back Four

The government is doing a survey on the average size of a mans penis in England, and have asked that anyone with a penis of 3 inches or less to signify this by flying a white flag with a red cross from their car. (“,)

An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.

After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'

'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'

'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'

'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.' (",)

A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.

It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was. (",)

In the middle of the defensive wall at a free kick, the left back took the ball right in the crotch and he passed out from the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in the local hospital. Though still in pain, he asked the doctor,
"Doc, is it bad? Will I be able to play again?"

"Yes, you should be able to," replied the doctor.
"Oh, great. So I can play for my club again?" said the man, feeling much relieved.

"Well, just as long as they've got a women's team," said the doctor. (",)

A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital.

"For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are."

"That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in." (",)