Justin Bieber

Dear Justin Bieber haters: Read this letter, it may change your opinion of him.

I know Justin has done some silly things recently, but I owe my life to Justin. On March, 9th 2011. I was in a coma for 6 months after being in a horrible car accident. Then one day my nurse came in and turned on the radio, at that moment one of Justin songs came on. It was then I got up out of my bed and turned that shit off.

Whale Oil Beef Hooked

So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."


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Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"


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An irishman takes his goldfish to vets and tells the vet he thinks his fish has epilepsy, the vet says well the fish looks pretty calm to me. then the irishman yells just wait, i havnt taken it out of the bloody bowl yet!!

Nice Jugs

Gay Guys say ... "Im Lovin it"

Carwash

I was out in the front garden and when I looked across the road and noticed the women from number 26 washing her car.

I watched for a while as she let the soap bubbles run between her succulent boobs, she put the water hose in her mouth and gave me a cheeky wink…

I walked over and said, “You know, I like the way you handle that hose.”

“Well do you now, then I guess it must be your turn next, honey” she said, licking her lips.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCK.

“Great,” I replied, “my car hasn’t been washed in weeks.”

Bathroom Scales

I was standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in my stomach.

"That's not going to help," said my wife.

"Yes,it will," I replied. "It's the only way I can see the fucking numbers"

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My neighbor asked me where I wanted to be buried. Apparently "balls deep in your wife's ass" was the wrong answer

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A friend of mine has just told me he's sleeping his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a mustache.

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I was lacking some confidence. Then I turned on my computer and found out hot singles in my area wanna chat with me right now.

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Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

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Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives

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During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

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A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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There's a big difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night."



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Marriage. Because your bad day doesn't have to end at work.

Sex Weight Loss Facts

I want to be number one on her 'To Do' List.

"Are you as horny as I am?"

It makes sense even if you read it backwards.....

Women that leave 'Everything' to the imagination.