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Your mom called ...

Excuse me Miss

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fuck Off, ye'll no bring it back!"

(",)

Feelin Devilish

Next time you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link:


http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Widdle Wabbits?

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?".

The shop keeper's heart melted.

He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?".

The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered.......

"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a fuc".

(",)

Happy Viagra Day!

I Dont Believe it!

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Do you know what I'm doing now?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "And do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Oh Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes - which is why I came here in the first place."

(",)

Virginity

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says,

"Doctor, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin.

Is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try.

On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh.

When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.

The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the biggest and thickest elastic band she could find up between her legs, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress and as her hubby "puts it in", after a few moments she snaps elastic band. The hubby shouts: "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity going." The husband cries out, "Well go and get it back again, it's got my bollocks!"

(",)

Still got it.

You have still got it when you arrive home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking : "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

You have had it when coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying : "You're next bitch."

(",)

A corporal reports to the lieutenant

"Sir the entire regiment was shagging chairs last night."

The lieutenant summons all the regiment and says:

"Those who were shagging chairs, step forward."

Everybody but one takes one step forward.

The lieutenant pointing to the remaining one, says:

"Look at him, y'all should follow his example.

What's your name son?"

"Private Chairs Sir."

(",)

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and starts to look at the menu.

A few moments later the waitress comes over to his table, smiles and asks for his order.

"I want a quickie". he says.

She is not impressed, and she gives him a stern look and says, "Now would you please give me your order?"

Again, he says, "I want a quickie".

This time she slaps him in the face then says, "I'll give you one last chance - what do you want?"

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche." (",)

Life after death.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.



Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.


After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Doris. Doris."


"Is that you, Frank?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


"What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.


I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.


After supper, golf course again.



Then have sex until late at night.



The next day it starts again."


"Oh, Frank you surely must be in heaven."



"Not exactly...



I'm a rabbit living near Sherwood Forest."



(",)

Stay Tuned

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.

Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing)

"Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you.

Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly)

"Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?" Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Right up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

TEN THINGS Men Know About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. AH YES ... They have Breasts.

Hey, I got a new set of Wiper Blades on my car.

I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care.



They work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working.



Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on.



I've even been pulled over and the traffic cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.



Yeah, they were a bit expensive, but thay do add a little something special to driving.