Happy New Rear

Christmas Uncovered

Careful what you do with those unwanted gifts

Pop back later

Oh, I wish it could be Christmas, every day

Have a Spanking Christmas

White Christmas

Just a Thought ...

Office Party

I finally got my tree up

Fancy Dress Idea For Your Christmas Party.

Big Boys Toys

Ho Ho ... Oh!

Unemployment

Quacking Joke

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Dumb Dad

Last weekend I was helping my son with his Maths homework.

I was very surprised to read a question that asked, "If you have £200, and you give £40 to Jackie, £40 to Pam, £40 to Claire and £40 to Sarah, what would you have?"

Turned out to my suprise that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

Well things have changed since my day.

Global Warming

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Mr Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans before I flood the earth in the name of 'Global Warming'.



" He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted thatI was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British goverment beat me to it."

The Hokey Cokey

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Cokey” died peacefully at the age of 93

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his right foot in.

And then the fucking trouble started.

They Scrub Up Well

Dats My Boy

How Much?

Earings $25

Make Up $40

Tattoo $100

Boob Job $5000














Forgetting To Tuck In Your Plumbs... Priceless