Modern Day Fairy Tale

(A fairy tale for the assertive woman of 2007)

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' hand and said:

Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

I don't fucking think so...

Men Bashing

Twelve truths about men!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?

(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?

(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!

8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?

(it is sex with someone they love)

9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)

10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)

11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(it's never happened)

BENEFITS OF BEING AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN

* We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

* We can cry and get off speeding fines.

* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

* Taxis stop for us.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

* If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

* We have the ability to dress ourselves.

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.* We'll never regret piercing our ears.

* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Today's instruction

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

(",)

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy:
remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.** (",)

Kids learn fast.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day John, Stan and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said...

"I think so. Provided those twats at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks."

(",)

Posh Loo

There was this girl called Lucy.

One night Lucy went with her girlfriends for a night on the town, they visited about 5 bars, and she drank like she never drank before.

She drank Champaigne, she drank Wine, she drank Beer & Vodka.

After she was done with all that, like any normally functioning person, she really had to go to the toilet.

So she asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and she went off in the direction to where she thought it was.

Later that night, Lucy was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and she was thought, "wait a minute.. was that a golden toilet!!"

The next night, although not feeling too well she went out to find the special gold toilet.

She had hit 5 bars last night, so she went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when she went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until she got to the last bar, she was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet herself, she asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?"

The bartender turned to owner that was there and said, "hey boss!

I think I found the person who shit in your tuba!!!"

(",)

Idiots sex guide ...

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage", don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

8. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

(",)

I want ro ...

A guy walks over to a gorgeous girl sitting at a barstool and says "I want to play with your big tits all night."

Shocked, the girl says "oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? he's my boyfriend and when I go over and tell him what you have just said to me he'll will beat the crap out of you.."

The man replies "I still want to play with your big tits all night, and fill your pussy with beer and drink it."

Stunned, the girl walks over to her boyfriend and tells him whats going on, "That man over there says he wants to play with my big tits all night."

The boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves.

She then says, "He also said he wants to fill my pussy up with beer and drink out of it"

The boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking. "What are you doing, arent you going to beat him up?" She asks.

The boyfriend smugly replies, "I ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."

(",)

Medical Benefits Of Breast Watching

This came from the New England Journal of Medicine, so men take heart, and ladies - don't look at us like we're scum when you catch us. We're only doing it for our health.

Great news for girl watchers:

Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work- out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby.

"There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half.

We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four or five years."

Lets all start today by taking the next 10 minutes staring at the charms of Rachel on the link below. (",)

http://www.girlsriding.com/07design/2008-comp/2008-comp_Jan_RachelWorcel.php

Potential & Reality

A young kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate.

Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father.

"Dad, I think I've figured it out.

Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two right old slags." (",)

Practical advice & new words for 2007

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked

(",)

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket

(",)

On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

(",)

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

(",)

NEW WORDS FOR 2007

TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am .

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Courtroom Drama

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are
"not capable of beating anyone."

My Dad is a...

One morning last week Tommy was at school and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out -fireman, policeman, salesman, van driver, manager of department etc.

but Tommy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

"My Dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his Clothes in front of other men and gives them lap dances.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Tommy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Tommy,

"He plays Cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."
(",)

MAKING BABIES

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies.

That's how you get jewelry." (",)

Wire brush and Dettol

The Queen of England was visiting The Royal Military Hospital, and insisted on making a round of the wards.

She came into a room with three beds and asked the first soldier, “What is wrong with you?

“Embarrassed, the soldier replied, “Syphilis, Your Majesty.

“Trying to appear natural, the Queen asked, “And what treatment do you get for it?“

“Wire brush and Dettol,“ the soldier replied.

“Is there anything you would like to make your stay more comfortable?“ the Queen asked.“No, Ma'am, I'm a soldier in the Queen's Own Regiment, and that's enough for me.

“Deeply touched, the Queen moved on to the next bed, where the soldier lay on his stomach.

“What is wrong with you, soldier?“ she asked.

“Piles, Your Majesty,“ grunted the soldier.

“What is your treatment here?“

“Wire brush and Dettol, Ma'am.

“Wincing the Queen asked if there was anything she could do to make him more comfortable.

He answered that he was simply grateful to be a soldier in the Queen's Own Regiment, and that was more than enough.

The third soldier told her hoarsely that his problem was a sore throat.

“What is the treatment for that?“ she asked.

“Wire brush and Dettol, Ma'am,“ came the reply.

“Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?“

“Yes, Ma'am. Next time I would like my treatment first before those two dirty fuckers get the brush.“ (",)

Pure Class (",)

Free Orgasm

Can I have a push please?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, says: "Please can you give me a Push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on your swing!" replies the drunk!!! (",)

Smoke It!

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy
from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
"fire", and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company
had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

HEY, ONLY IN AMERICA EH (",)

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have a bit of sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees and he gets her back to his place and really gives it to her.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, and each night he gets her doing more and more rude and naughty stuff to earn the money from him.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne". "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says,

"Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN! (",)

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

(",)

New Year's Resolution

You know its time for a New Year's Resolution to Lose Weight when:

You step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!"

You're wearing a yellow suit and people two blocks away yell, "Taxi!"

You put on your Honda instead of getting into it.

It time to resolve to make more money when:

You were robbed, all the robber got was practice.

New Year Resolution to Get Healthy and Slow Down Aging:

I have a good memory. It's just short. (",)

Hey ... You dont have to be old to be wise!

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat basterds.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans.
Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers.
Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas.
Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner?
Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner?
Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'.
Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers.
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

32. "Saxo boy". Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one (",)

Love & Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." (",)

Remember for 2007 ...

Remember for 2007 that life is short, so sing like no one can hear you.

Dance like no one is watching you.

Love like you have never been hurt before.

And FUCK like your being filmed!

Congratulations!

Make going to work fun in 2007

Want to try something new and exciting to do?


Why not initiate an office dare system - however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing?

Well read on..........

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1 - Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2 - Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time -.

3 - Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4 - Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5 - To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head

6 - When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7 - Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8 - Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9 - While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINTS OFFICE DARES

1 - Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2 - Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3 - Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.

4 - Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight -.

5 - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES

1 - At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.

2 - Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3 - For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4 - Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5 - After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6 - While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7 - In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

8 - At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9 - In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10 - Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11 - Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12 - Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it".

13 - Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14 - Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc - during a very important conference call.

15 - Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16 - Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17 - Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18 - During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19 - Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

(",)