POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm very sorry", says the pharmacist, "We just don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde "

Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... . . .

(Wait for it). . . . . . . . . . .

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

(",)

Circus

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up.

One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way".

(",)

A school teacher Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Lucy, what's your problem?

" Lucy answered, "I'm too smart for the this grade.

My sister is in the next grade and I'm much smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the grade above her not below!"

Ms. Brooks took Lucy to the principal's office.

While Lucy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give this little madam a test.

If she failed to answer any of his questions she was to go back to the class and behave.

She agreed.

Young Lucy was brought in and the conditions were explained to her and she agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Lucy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Lucy: "36".

And so it went with every question getting harder and harder as he went through everything the principal thought she should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Lucy can indeed go up in grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask her some questions."

The principal and Lucy both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Lucy, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in a pair of pants that the principal has two of but both you and I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Lucy replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Lucy: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Lucy: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Lucy: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Lucy: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Lucy: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Please put young Lucy here in the final-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

(",)

The Great Things Mom Taught Me!

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS..."You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

Have a great Mothers Day (",)

Peek - a - Boo!

CAREFUL! CAREFUL!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said,

"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful .

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOSTyour mind?

Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

(",)

Our Survey said ...

FAMILY

FORTUNES

ANSWERS

1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F

4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil

8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail

15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25 ) Something slippery? - A conman

26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30 ) Something red? - My sweater

Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, " Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.

"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale .

" Good morning, Ma'am," he said,

" I've come to...''" Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, " I've been expecting you."

" Have you really?" said the photographer.

" Well, that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, " Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me".

I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.

And sometimes the living room floor is fun.

You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor?

No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

" My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

" Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.

I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

" Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

" This was done on the top of a bus," he said." Oh my God!" " Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

" And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

" She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."

Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

" Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

" Yes," the photographer replied, " and, for more than three hours, too.

"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.

"Mrs. Smith leaned forward. " Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um,equipment?"

" It's true, Ma'am, yes.Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work rightaway."

" Tripod?"" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.

"Mrs. Smith fainted (",)

Mad March Tips on Life - Part Four

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. (",)

Mad March Tips on Life - Part Three

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person

again? It was probably worth it. ,

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

Mad March Tips on Life - Part Two

If you think that no one cares if your dead or alive, try missing a couple of morgage payments.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Mad March Tips on Life - Part One

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a women.

Neither one works.