DAFUQ

As I approached a lady in the shopping centre with my clipboard I said, “Hi, I’m doing a survey about sexism in society can you spare a few minutes of your time?”

“Sure,” she replied.

“Thanks it won’t take long,” I smiled, “now then, do you mind if I look at your tits?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Ok,” I said, “Not to worry, Question 1…..”





Trying to lighten the mood whilst my wife was giving birth, I jokingly asked, “Where does it hurt, love?”

“Cunt”, she replied.




So this guys sat watching TV and there's creepy organ music playing.
Suddenly he shouts at the screen"Don't walk into that church you daft twat..it's a fucking trap"!
His wife walks in and says "what are you watching" and he says "our wedding video"!!!




Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.

While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out.

He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

If you are having a bad day?

Just remember, it could be worse...




Remember the Mary had a little lamb rhyme?

Mary had a little twat, a teeny weeny hole. And Jonny couldn't fit it in with his massive manly pole. He sucked her tit, licked her clit and tried to squeeze it in. Nothing seemed to work for him he couldn't fucking win.

So Mary drank a lot of wine, she smoked a bit of grass, and just as she was passing out .... he slipped it up her fucking ass.




I called hotel management from the hotel room and said,, “Please, come quick. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’ll jump out the window of your hotel”.
“That is a personal matter”. answered the hotel manager.
“Fuck you!” I screamed. “The window won’t open so that’s a maintenance matter.”





Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted and fingered by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they were so traumtised it left them speechless.





Teacher in class is going round all the children and asking them what they want to do when they grow up, it eventually gets round to little johnnies go,

“so Johnnie what do you want to do when your older” asks the teachers

Johnnie replies ” I want to be a millionaire and have a bitch, and ill buy my bitch lots of nice clothes and jewellery and take her on holidays all around the world on a private jet ill buy for her, and have sex with her 5 times a day on our dessert island”

the teachers is shocked and has no idea how to reply, so just moves on to the next child completely flabbergasted,

“OK…ahem…and Rebbecca? what do you want to be when your older”

Rebbecca replies “Johnnies bitch”





Last night me and my wife did some role play. She was the teacher and I was the naughty school boy that needed punishing.

I think she took it a little far when she got my parents involved






“Excuse me Miss, but do you take it up the arse? Or can you just swallow it?” I asked this fit bird down the drug store.

“Can you fuck off you creep?!” she yelled back, “I’m sick of men like you thinking we’re so easy.”

“Listen miss can you calm the fuck down and tell me how I’m supposed to take these suppositories you’ve just sold me?” I replied.





I’m hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.






“Give it to me” please give it me now she said, “I’m so fucking wet and I want it.

NO. It’s my fucking umbrella.”





An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4 a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says "Here's one £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls 1 out £65,000, he says "That's the 1, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday jeweller phones old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can U imagine the fuckin weekend I've had!!"





Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.





My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

Mothers Day

Mothers Day. Or as I like to call it, ‘Spend a fucking fortune on the wife, on behalf of the kids, and hopefully you’ll get your leg over Day’. That's got me thinking. Should Fathers Day be renamed Motherfuckers Day?

Lookalike Winner

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company advertising there Ultimate Weight Loss Program and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 24 year old babe dressed in next to nothing


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. She gives him her business card that says, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."


Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She also hand him her business card that reads, "If you catch me you can fuck me".


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.


"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door; the guy shouts come in, I will be with you in a minute. However when he goes to say hello he finds a huge muscular black guy sitting waiting for him there wearing nothing and he hands him a business card that reads, "If I catch you, you Im gunna fuck you up the ass fat boy."




He lost 33 kilos that week.

Penis Enlargers

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . . . So I did .... She's 23 & her names Tania...

Opps