What;s your name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. 'Hello' she said. 'My name is Carmen Gold.'

'That's a beautiful name,' he said, 'Is it a family name?'

'No', she replied. 'I gave it to myself.

It reflects the things I like most in life -- cars, men, and fine jewelry.'

'So what's your name?' she asked.

He replied, 'Elvis.... Elvis Bigtitsenfootball'

Paddy Power

The Inland Revenue Service decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says 'Okay, you're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy. realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really' says the solicitor.................

This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000
that he could come in to your office and pee all over your desk AND THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT IT'!

Smell my finger

Women are Impossible to Please

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward rd. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at the Husband Store.




















PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.