Miss-understood Midfielders

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (",)

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"

God Replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Chelsea win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Portsmouth win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!" (“,)

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Everton at Anfield.

The score was nil-nil and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Cop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery.

Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago (“,)

A great footballer was tragically killed and arriving at heaven's gates, he came face-to-face with the angel on duty."Is there any reason why you shouldn't be allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven?"asked the angel. "Well," said the footballer, "there was one time when I cheated in a major international football game.""I see," said the angel, "tell me about it.""Well," said the footballer, "I was playing for Wales against France and I used my hand to push the ball past a French defender. The referee didn't see it and I went on to score.""And what was the final score?" asked the angel."That was the only goal," said the footballer, "We won one-nil.""Well, that's not too serious. I think we can let you in," said the angel."Oh terrific!" exclaimed the footballer, "It's been on my mind for years. Thanks a lot, St: Peter.""That's OK," said the angel, ushering the footballer in, "and by the way, it's St. .Peter's day off today, I'm St. David." (“.)

What is football?
It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and 30,000 referees.
(“,)