Rude Food

Voluptuous Breasts

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Young Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Ivan the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Ivan revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Ivan to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Ivan readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Ivan would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Ivan.

Horatio then slipped Ivan the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Ivan worked passionately on the young Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Ivan left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Ivan found Horatio demanding his paymentof 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Ivan couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to fuck off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powderinto the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Ivan.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

(",)

Be careful what you wish for.

A guy is walking along the street and he stumbles on a old tin can.

He kicks it and out pops a Genie.

He is asked by the Genie to make three wishes.

When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are ten of the most beautiful women he has ever seen.

He invites them into his house and they give him ₤10,000 each then start taking off there clothes.

"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells.

He quickly gets undressed and gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door.

As he opens the door he sees the Ku Klux Klan standing there with a burning cross.

The leader of the Klan then says, are you the guy who wished to be hung like a black man?"

Man found dead

Police were called to the back of a local 'Pizza Hut' this morning after the discovery of a dead mans body.

The body was hard to identify because it was covered in chopped tomatoes, mushrooms. peppers, sweet corn and pineapple.

In the last hour police have issued a statement saying that they believe the man simply 'Topped' himself.

Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Kristy. "She's incredibly dumb.

She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Kristy to prick Mr. Jacob's boil!"

Meet Sharon Stone's Sister ...

TWENTY

For those who like the women on top

Priscilla the Gorilla.

The staff at London zoo were having trouble with Priscilla, their 5 year old Female gorilla who was coming into her mating season.

She was getting very frustrated and causing chaos in her pen.

This was due to the fact that she was the only gorilla the Zoo had. They had to do something to try and calm the situation as it was dangerous to the customers.

They come to the conclusion that the poor Gorilla had to get some sex!!!

Paddy was a big lad from Ireland who was known for his taste in the larger form of the female species. They propositioned him with the offer of ₤1000 for the job of shagging Priscilla the Gorilla.

Paddy said he would have to think about it.

The very next day, Paddy came into work and said he would do it on 3 conditions.

The staff at the zoo quickly agreed and asked the conditions.

Firstly says Paddy, I don't want to kiss her, secondly, no-one in my family is to find out about this.

Finally he said, how soon do you need this doing because your going to have to give me a few days to find you the ₤1000!!!! (",)