Great Pair Up Front.

The reigning Miss World –Miss Iceland- was invited to start The charity football match by performing the ceremonial kick-off.

After an excellent game, which raised a great deal of money, a dinner was held.

During the speeches which followed, Miss World made the evening for all present when, in broken English and with great charm, she said,

'It eez great honour for me to kick off your ball; I will be pleased to come back any time to English football clubs and kick all your balls off.'

A big Premier Division team was very anxious to sign up a certain top-class player. However, nothing they offered would induce him to sign and in desperation they stooped to more underhand methods.

The team manager sent his secretary - blonde, 5'2", 38-22-36 - to try to persuade the reluctant striker to sign up.

To his surprise, he heard nothing from the girl for over a week.

Then one morning she walked into his office and said, 'I've got good news and bad new for you, boss.

The good news is - he's ready to sign. The bad news is - he's more than two stone down from his playing weight!'

How to annoy during TV football

1) Turn the sound down low then take the batteries out of all of the remote controls

2) Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times

3) Tell him that there is no beer in the house (",)