Better than 'SEX'

Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex.

You can GET chocolate.

"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

Good chocolate is easy to find.

You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

With chocolate size doesn't matter.

(",)

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

The squad has just been announced for the 2006 World Cup

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2006

Pinnochio

Libero

Vimto Memento Borneo Tango

Cheerio Subbuteo

Scenario Fellatio

Portfolio

SUBS:

Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
Computersezno

I LIKE THE LOOK OF THE BACK FOUR (",)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."



Phil took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Julie?" asked Phil. "

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the big wheel. When the ride was over, Phil again asked Julie what she would like to do. "Oh I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Phil lost his money.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "Please I just want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Phil figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Julie responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."





A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".




RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again.

She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" (",)

Classic Homer.

"D'oh!!!"

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"

"I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"

"If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."

"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!"

"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"

"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

Woo Woo

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo With 43 added vitamins Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge ofthe bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butthairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day!

And, "woo woo" (",)

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the World Cup.

(",)

Do you know?

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.

A grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney? "She again replied, "Why yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge told both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

(",)

One Day, at a bus stop there was this girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, miss, after you reached around and unzipped my fly on my pants three times, I kinda figured that we were at least friends."

(".)

Keyboard not found!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells sevice mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by service maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(",)

Hey You.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' (",)

Please remember.

No matter how good she looks right now. Please remember, somebody, somewhere out there in this world is tired of putting up with all her shit.

(",)

At a recent convention of the supernatural.

The opening speaker wanted to get a feel for his audience that was attended by over 400 students, so he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" Over 80% of students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a very good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 20% of the students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"

Right at the very back of the room a voice shouts "OH YES BABY, Me, Me, Me, I have", and the man waves his hand while jumping up and down to get attention.

The speaker takes off his glasses, and says "Sir, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The student replied with a huge grin, and began to make his way up to the podium while the crowd cheered him with many people patting him on the back while he made his way up onto the stage.

When he reached the front of the room, the speaker congratulated him and thanked him for coming up on stage and then asks, "So, Sir, tell us all here today what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" The student was ready to speak but he paused for a moment and then looked very puzzled, he replied, "Ghost. Oh shit! From way back there you know I thought you said 'Goat'." (",)

I WANT SEX.

I man staying in London picked up a calling card from a phone box.

Later that evening when he returned back to the hotel, he decided to ring the number on the card.

A few moments later a very soft polite women's voice said "Good evening Sir, how can I be of service to you"

The man replied "I want Sex, not just any sex, I want dirty sex, kinky sex, naughty sex, oral sex, and some very rude sex.

The woman on the other end of the phone replied, "that all sounds very interesting sir, but can I suggest you dial 9 for an outside line first".

They said "WHAT"

Lets see what some of the top sports presenters and commentators have said over the years...

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tire choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Hope you enjoyed them, they are funny. (".)

Fanny's are huge.

I took a girl horseback riding once, and when we stopped to rest, the horses rubbed their necks against each other affectionately. I said to the girl, "now thats what I would like to do".
The girl said well go right ahead, it's your horse" (",)

Annie, Fanny Tammy and Nanny are all sisters, and they all have big feet, Annie takes size 13, Fanny takes a size 18 and a half, Tammy takes a size 12 and Nanny takes a size 14.

Annie & Nanny go out on a date with a couple of guys. And one of the guys says that he could not help but notice how big the two girls feet were.

Annie said, "Oh thats nothing, you should see the size of our Fanny's there huge" (",)

WOW!

A woman meets a young man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around the apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddybears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The young man is kind of surprised that this cool chick would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but decides not to mention it.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes offand make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the young man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

She replies "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." (",)

Breaking News.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you

Have a nice Day.

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and he noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant,

I wonder which airline she work’s for?"

He thought he would try and get a conversation with her, and hoping in would lead to dating her, he leaned towards her and uttered the Emirates slogan: "Keep Discovering?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Dam, she doesn't work for Emirates."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Every time is like the first time?" She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Virgin Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Singapore Airlines slogan: "Something special in the air?"

This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, British Airways!" (",)

11+2 = 12+1

I know you already know 11 + 2 = 12 + 1 but did you know Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one?

What is an Anagram? anagram (an-a-gram)

A word or phrase formed by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. For examples,

Listen = Silent
Schoolmaster = The classroom
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
Mother in Law = Women Hitler
The country side = No City Dust Here
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

(",)

Eh!

wlel i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt

The three minute management course.

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. But then he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This now ends the three minute management course. (",)

Pussy

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Civil Servant.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff. " Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was clever, then the first three men turned to the Civil Servant and said, "What can your cat do?" The Civil Servant turned to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the week on sick leave. (",)

Today is ... FREE ADVICE DAY.

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Never get a tattoo during an earthquake.

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Women like silent men, they think they're listining.

Never answer the phone and call to your wife, "It's your mother - long distance - thank goodness"

The best way to keep looking young is to hang around with old people.

To prevent injury to your thump while hammering, have someone else hold the nails.

Remember, when you go to court, you're putting your fate in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Don't forget that if you see someone today without a smile, give them yours.

Don't forget to look in this site tomorrow.

Kids books that never made it.

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD" WITH THE WORST PREMONITION,

HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD, IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MUM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE FOREST AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED. IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

PPS:CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

(",)

Now it's time to see what some UK TV presenters and commentators have said over the years... Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

(",)

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

(",)

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

(",)

Va Va Vroom

After failing to secure pole position for the European Grand Prix the Ferrari Formula 1 team said enough was enough, and then fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euro's worth of high-tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session this morning the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed, and some photos of David Coulthard's bird in the shower.

(",)

Now it's time to see what some UK TV presenters and commentators have said over the years, do you remember this one?

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

(",)

Fudge Packer.

Although he was very happy in his job, Freddie could never tell his friend what he really did.

(",)

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices.

One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.

A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"(",)

Two women walking home were so drunk they need a pee. They were so desperate they climbed over a wall into a graveyard. They had no tissue paper, so one used her knickers then threw them away, the other used a piece of soft ribbon attached to a wreath.

The next day their husbands were chatting in the local bar about the night before. "We had better keep an eye on our wives" one said "last night she came home drunk and had no knickers on".

The other man replied "you think thats bad, my wife had a card up her arse saying, From all the lads at the Fire Station, we will never forget you.

(",)

And today's final thought is ....Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say.....

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So they walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I thinkyou would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals afterwhat the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finallygave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild lookin his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his ownpants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONGFEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!" (",)

Good news & Bad news!

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient says, "Yes." The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her like a screen door in a full force hurricane!"

(",)

WORDS WOMEN USE.

Fathoming out some of the finer points of our 'better' halves vocabulary and mannerisms is a fine art. All is not always as it first appears, there are often underlying meanings which us blokes can only pick up over a period of time. Below is the beginners guide.

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.

A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

(",)

A final thought for today!

Why is it that when men talk dirty to wemen it is interpretated as Sexual Harassment, but whe women talk dirty to men it is £1.50 a minute? (",)

I have no idea how this works.

I have no idea how this works, but if you look at the image for about 5 minutes, you can see a waterfall in the background.





Dear Technical Support,

About 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflictsbetween these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, PartyGirl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing meto shut down for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,only to discover when these two systems detected each other, they caused severedamage to my hardware. I was then forced to upgrade to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Freesex Plus and Cleanhouse 2006.Shortly, after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored inWife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, Explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning launch Turbostrop and Whinge.

These latter products have no help files, and I have to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiringShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express, which need to be reinstalled every other week.Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that theyare an illegal operation.Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your money files before uninstallingitself.

Any ideas?

Warning Scam Alert.

Don't how many of you shop at Sainsburys, but this may be useful to know. I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I am a victim of the latest scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Sainsburys in Kidlington near Oxford and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works; Two very good looking 19 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat.

One starts wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windowlene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her top. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Sainsburys. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat (because your shopping is in the front). On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. (",)