Advice Columns

Dream Girl Sayings

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and have my friend Lucy over for a threesome!

5. God..if I don't get to blow you off soon, I swear I'm gonna go mad!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to some porno sites.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be outside painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had
time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey, our new neighbor's teenage daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new golf clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?

21. Christ, not the fucking shopping mall again, come on let's go to that new strip club!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

(",)

Go on Girl treat yourself, it's Friday.

Finally found a good doctor!‏

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ?


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products ?


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. ?It's the best feel-good food around! !


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions about food and diet. Remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,



"I'm too sexy for this box" (",)

Friendly Advice

Deaf Dad

The Irish mans daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, ... "Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club......an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the South of France, and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, ... "A prostitute, Dad"...

"Oh! Be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old deaf dad a big hug!"

Money

Sore Throat

Toilet Joke

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE TOILET JOKE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

As you grow old.

Hey. you've either got it, or you ain't

1 . when she asks how she looks , shrug and say "could be better" - this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.(or if she grabs your hand , squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month , sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is, say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning - this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault - this will pave the way for her own personal improvement , and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them , because jewelry is for pussies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words screw you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special , then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset , tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that , lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear ".! ..because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you cry baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call.

(",)

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE :Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Your body is like a temple.

SHE :Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

3 in a Bed

Three guys go on a ski holiday together but when they try a check in at the ski lodge they find out that there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share one room and one bed.



The next morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"


The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.


Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt that I was skiing!"

Bad Move.

A Colombian armed robber evidently not au fait with martial arts is recovering in hospital after ill-advisedly targetting a martial arts school, Reuters reports.

The attempted blag took place in the nothwestern town Bucaramanga, and local police commander Colonel Julio Cesar Santoyo simply told Caracol radio:

"An individual entered a martial arts school with a firearm and told everyone to put there hands up, but they managed to react, put their knowledge of how to fight with there feet to good use and disarmed him."

In "putting their knowledge" to use, the students apparently gave the man a good kicking, hence the need for medical attention.

(",)

Fishy Tale

Family on holiday in Australia, husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go diving.

The husband is in the navy and has had some diving experience.

His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the under water camera on the go.

When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see what was wrong.

When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shaking with fear.

When the parents asked what was wrong he said "there was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat confirmed it to be true, however the dad dismissed the claim as nonsense.

As soon as they got back to the hotel they downloaded the camera onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

(Now try and tell me you wouldn't have emptied your entire digestive system right at the point you saw it)

The question is ...would you have stayed to take the picture?

For Sale

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it tonight, I just want you to hold me."


I said, "WHAT??!!





What was that?!"



So she says those words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...



"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bed?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I though it would be good to take the day off work to spend time with her.





We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a huge department store.





I walked around with her while she tried on Several different very expensive outfits.





She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.





She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."



Then we went over to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.





Now let me tell you... she was so excited.





She must have thought I was on drugs or something.





I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.



I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine babes."





She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.





Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the check out."



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No babe, I don't feel like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"



I then said, "Baby! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."



And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....





(",)

Very Important Decision

A man wakes up in hospital. A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness, that's good. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very serious pile-up on the motorway.

But you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, you'll do everything as before, but something did happen.

Look, I'm trying to break this to you as gently as possible, you see, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Of course the bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright. We have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did - better in fact.

But the thing is, this operation doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher now, well, she might be a bit put out.

But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.

So it's very important that she plays a role.

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have" says the fellow.

"And did she help you in making the decision?"

"Yes she did" says the bloke.

And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're having a new kitchen."

(",)

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

Try and lick your elbow (Fact - It is impossible to lick your elbow even if your not in an elevator)

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Meow occassionally.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

As you are walking out, push as many buttons as you can.

Another fact - At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Russian loses wife in poker game

A Russian gambler lost his wife in a poker game when he ran out of cash and laid his wife on the table.

Unfortunately for Andrei Karpov, when winning opponent Sergey Brodov arrived to claim his prize, his wife Tatiana was "so angry" she opted for a divorce.

She thundered: "It was humiliating and I was utterly ashamed.

But as soon as my ex-husband did that I knew I had to leave him."

In a heartwarming twist which disproves once-and-for-all the old "lucky at cards, unlucky at love" proverb, Tatiana started a relationship with Brodov and subsequently married him.

She enthused: "Sergey was a very handsome, charming man and I am very happy with him, even if he did 'win' me in a poker game."

Hatchers, Matches & Dispatches

A very excited man rushed into the local emergency room shouting, "My wife's going to have her baby outside in the cab!"



The ER physician grabbed his bag, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.



Suddenly he noticed that there were several cabs, and he'd gotten in the wrong one.
















The local newspaper received a phone call at the advert sales office.

A woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" "£1.00 per word, Madam," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?

""Yes, Madam."

"OK, write this: 'FRED DEAD.'

"I'm sorry, Madam; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that."

A moment of silence......

"Got your pencil and paper?" "Yes, Madam."

"OK, print this: 'Fred Dead, Shed for Sale.' "

(",)