Happy Halloween

Outsourcing

O.K. So I never shot the Duck

But I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called "Life Line" for some support and motivation.

I was put through to a 'call center' which has been outsourced to Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane....

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Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare People in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt out of the room.



2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.


3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.



4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.



5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.



6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.



7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.



8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.



9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.



10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.



11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say"Just in case..." mysteriously.



12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.



13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.



14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.



15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer money. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."



16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray"O pleaseo pleaseo pleaseo please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.



17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"



18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).



19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.



20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.



21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.



22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when itdoesn't work, get the supervisor.



23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.



24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.



25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Ed Zachery Disease

After no dates or sex for almost 5 yrs a woman goes to see a chinese sex therapist.

He says Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of room.

She does that.

Now craw reery, reery fas back. As she did the Doctor shook is head.

Yr problem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease ive ever see, dat why you get no date or sex.

Woman says "oh my god" whats Ed Zachery disease.

Doctor says its when your face looks Ed Zachery like your arse.

Retards

Sex Therapist Advice.

An old man marries a younger woman and they are deeply in love.


However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves Orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.


The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;


"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.


"Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown 0rgasm." They go home and follow thetherapist’s advice.


They hire a handsome young 25 year old man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.



But it doesn’t help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.



Perplexed, they go back to the therapist


"Okay", he says, "let’s try it reversed. Have the young man makelove to your wife and you wave the towel over them."


Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bedwith the wife and the husband waves the towel.



The hired hand reallyworks with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.


Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:


"Hey listen up, THAT’S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!"

The Voices

Don't tell me.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy said, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' Speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

So, now, if you are going to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.

Talking Dog

A man is driving around the back of an old farm yard and he sees a sign in front of the house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the farmer appears and tells him the dog is in the yard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees this funny looking sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yeah," the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's the story with you?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was just a young pup. I wanted to help the British government, so I told MI6.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for ten years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job in MI5 and got assigned to Gatwick airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the guy says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him that cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that stuff he just told you."

Flucktuations!!!

I had a currency that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today get hunat eighty?

Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!

Gay

Chinese Eye Exam

Blonde

WHAT!!!

Works Every Time

Police officer finds two guys in the local park, one of them has his trousers down and is bent over, the other guys has got two fingers up his mates arse.

"What is going on here then" said the officer.

Oh good evening officer, my friend said he is not feeling well so I am helping him to be sick.

"What with your fingers up his arse" said the Policeman

You just stand there and watch what happens in a minute when I stick them same fingers down his troat...

Works every time.

Lame Excuse

A school teacher reminded her final year pupils of tomorrow's important exam.

"Now listen to me, I simply will not tolerate any lame excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider serious personal injury, a serious illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

Then Jack the lad at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I suppose in your case you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

FREEZE FUDDA MUKKA!!!!!

Dead Happy

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won two thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Paddy from Belfast, 40, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Bored

Tell me something ...

Some Wise Thoughts

1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make hima sandwich.

5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internetand they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cutsaves you thirty pence?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize thatit bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.