Mommy Longlegs?

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was, and thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"Daddy Longlegs" her father replied.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,

He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Homo - Gay - Faggott shit in our garden." (",)

Easy does it today.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. (",)

He said ... Then she said.

Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard. (",)

Best Headlines ... They got my attention.

Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
(",)

Day Off!

So you want a day off.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off! (",)

I will need a specimen.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his much younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing.

So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.

Her left hand...nothing.

Her mouth...nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried.

Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. (",)

Top Ten Put Downs to Men.

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN




1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.(",)

P.O.B. ? (Passenger on Board)

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral car for the last 25 years." (",)

Inspiration!

Sayings you'd like to see on those office inspirational posters...

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore. (",)

Bless You

A man, standing next to a woman in a bus stop, suddenly sneezes unexpectedly, he then unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief.

He then zips up and continues reading the bus timetable.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, so he unzips his pants again, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to ejeculate every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy,

"Oh you poor man, what, are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies (",)

"Hello"

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about you're Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy yells, "Swimming pool? . . .Is this 486-5731?"

Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11 as it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me is phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ rose again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advice.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (",)

Don't mess with Grandma!

Hold the front page!

Actual article from the LA Times,

The editor's comments at the end are hilarious:

* * *

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.

As usual Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon," our signal that he'd had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, to try to see him. I thought the light might attract him and he'd come forward to where I could get him out.

At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and aflame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.

It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.."

"Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

* * *
Editor's Notes:

Things in this story that scare me...

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."

"So I peered into the tube ... " (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)

That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.

Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil's body being launched out of someone's ass.

I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love."

People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their intestines.

People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to a hospital emergency room.

Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting this kind of truth.

Call me old fashioned if you must, but I just cannot imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well, doc, it's like this.

You see, we had this gerbil named Raggot, and we took a cardboard tube ... "

"First and second degree burns to the anus ...." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids seem like a welcome relief?

How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this?

And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible smells on the face of God's green earth.

People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic man who insert rodent up his butt."

What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? (",)

Round like a shot.

Learn Chinese in 2 minutes

To learn Chinese in 2 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud)





1) That's not right ............................ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.................................. Kum Hia Nao

4) Small Horse ................................. Tai Ni Po Ni

5) Did you go to the beach? .....................Wai Yu So Tan

6) Great .......................................Fa Kin Su Pah

7) I bumped into a coffee table ...........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .......................Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ............Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone .................No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . ............Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .........................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .................Yu Stin Ki Pu

Easy Peasy (",)

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.

"Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies. (",)

Shipwreck.

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a dog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, one of the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" (",)

Oh Nurse.

Top 10 reasons to become a nurse

Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.

Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.

Needles: It's better to give than to receive.

Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.

Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.

Interesting aromas.

Do enough charting to navigate around the world.

Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.

Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting (",)


What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some asshole has my pen!"

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly lost the will to live, not an ounce of hope.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse. (",)

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.(",)

Fly the flag

'FROGS'

A sexy looking young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Oral Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions very carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time! (",)


Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.

The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous guitarist and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous guitarist any day!!!" (",)

And the final word on 'Frogs' comes from the England football fans. (",)

The wife turned 40 years of age just a few weeks ago, and she thought it would be a good idea to have a full check up at the doctors.

When she got home, I asked how it went, and asked what the doctor said.

She was looking very pleased with herself and told me everything was fine, in fact the doctor even complemented her on her body, saying she had a body of a women 12 to 15 years younger than her.

“Oh yeah” I said, and what did he say about your big fat lazy ass then.

She replied “Nothing, he never mentioned you at all “ (",)

Male or Femail?

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.!

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!(",)

Say it as it is.

Things to say when stressed at work

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Do I look like a people person?

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

You are depriving some village of an idiot.

(",)

What a coincidence.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

"Hello"

A man is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just smiled and said "hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a good looker would be waving to him; and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from; so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Holy Shit" he says, "are you that dirty stripper from my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my mates while your mate whipped me with your bra?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher." (",)

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE.