Love at first sight

Italian Speak

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Pablo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract looks from a sexy young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he shagged her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Pablo reached for her and the shagging resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Pablo smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause and almost out of breath, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Pablo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets to bit.

Exhausted, Pablo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,

"No, I Norwegian."

(",)

Two Week Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should havelost at least 5 pounds.

"When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow myinstructions?

"The Irishman nodded...

"I'll tell you though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I weregoing to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from fookin' skippin'

(",)

Best sex I've had in 25 years

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.



"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.



"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".



"Not a problem", replied the doctor.



"Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".



It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.



The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!



T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"



"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.



"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.



He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"



"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?



"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to ever show me face in Starbucks again!"

(",)

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinking house.

Word got out and eventually even the local real estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Here are some reasons why it’s better to be female...

We never ejaculate prematurely.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions...and it’s much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

(",)

Meep Meep!

A police patrol officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 2nd total ban.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard. told you I was speeding, too!

(",)

Teenage pregnancy

An 19 year old Irish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes and buys her a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished Italian man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a 2,000,000 Euro bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 Euro bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 Euro each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again."

(",)

June is bursting out all over

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

And Never Lets You Down.