Made me LOL

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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I asked the cashier if I could possibly take her picture with my phone because she was absolutely stunning. She giggled and said, “Of course!”

Her expression soon changed as she was scanning my jar of lube and 3 boxes of tissues.

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This interviewer stopped me in the street and asked, “Excuse me sir, are you in a loving relationship?”

“No,” I replied, “I’m married.”

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Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler.

So the next door Neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting “Give it to me!”

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Man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

Good idea ... At the time.

Two lads in the pub talkin one says to the other "my mrs says if I come home pissed one more time she's leaving me" 25 pints later he's totaly gone at the game and he's spewed all down the front of his whistle!

He staggers over to his pal and says "what the fuck am I gonna do if I go home like this she'll leave me"!

His mate says "listen I've got a cracking idea tell her you were on your way home and some drunk guy bumped into you and threw up all over you and that's why you stink of beer and just to make it even better stick a tenner in your top pocket and tell her the bloke insisted you keep it to get your suit cleaned she's bound to believe you problem solved"

Fuckin genius so off he goes straight home to the wife brimming with confidence!

As he walks in the door she's waiting for him with her bags packed "CHRIST ALMIGHTY" !! she says" what happened to you"?

So he tells her the story and pulls two ten pound notes from his jacket pocket "I thought you said he gave you ten pounds to get your suit cleaned who gave you the other one"?

"Oh! He says that's from the guy who shit in me pants on the way home"!