Two Irish blokes walk into a pub."How many should we have this time?", asks the first one. "Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn't finish the last one.""Don't worry, this time we'll get only three. Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!"

Bingo

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.
... So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.
'Bloody hell,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

Your avin a laff.

A Pakistani BOY got admission in an USA School..
Teacher: What's ur name? BOY: Ahmad Teacher: No, now ur in USA ur name is Johnny from today. BOY went home. Mom asked:How was ur day Ahmad? BOY: I'm an American now call me Johnny. Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised. Teacher: what happend johnny? BOY: Miss, just 4 hrs after I came to USA I'm beaten up by 2 fucking Pakisstani's

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . . .
So I did .... She's 24 & her names Tania..

Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains "your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know if she's got Alzheimer's or Aids" the man replies "what the hell am I supposed to do now then?" the doctor answers "I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home for fuck sake don't shag her!

Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the assistant gave me a Chelsea Kit. sorry love i think you misunderstood me, i said

I want to look like a count!!!

A man goes into church, and sits in the confessional.

He says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Whilst I was on holiday, I cheated on my wife with two 21 year old Russian girls"

The priest replies "Take a whole lemon, cut it in half, and squeeze the juice into a glass. Then drink the contents of the glass"

"Will that purge me of my sins?" said the man."

No" said the priest "But it will wipe the fucking smile off your face"


I was out with a bird last night and it was getting quite intense when she said to me fuck me in the shit hole , I said oh come on im not driving to Bradford at this time of night !


Eskimo goes home gets in his igloo sees his wife crying and ask whats up. she says "my mums died" so he gives her a right good slap. She says "whats that for" He says "for making me laugh when my lips are chapped"

An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4 a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says "Here's one £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls 1 out £65,000, he says "That's the 1, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday jeweller phones old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can U imagine the fuckin weekend I've had!!"

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Are you Irish?"

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

It's Finger Licking Good!

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

A Word of Advice

Word of advice. If your wife ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?"....... never give two names!

My wife was stood at the front door with her case and said "I'm leaving you because of your strange sexual requests"

I replied "That's fine, but could you slam the door on my dick as you leave?"


Wife caught me in the kitchen swatting flies, she said what you doin, i said whats it look like im doing im swatting flies, she asked, how many you got, i replied 5, 3 males and 2 females, she said, wow, how can you tell, i said, 3 was on a beer can, and 2 was on the phone.