Your avin a laff.

A Pakistani BOY got admission in an USA School..
Teacher: What's ur name? BOY: Ahmad Teacher: No, now ur in USA ur name is Johnny from today. BOY went home. Mom asked:How was ur day Ahmad? BOY: I'm an American now call me Johnny. Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised. Teacher: what happend johnny? BOY: Miss, just 4 hrs after I came to USA I'm beaten up by 2 fucking Pakisstani's

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . . .
So I did .... She's 24 & her names Tania..

Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains "your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know if she's got Alzheimer's or Aids" the man replies "what the hell am I supposed to do now then?" the doctor answers "I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home for fuck sake don't shag her!

Went to a fancy dress shop the other day to get a vampire costume for a party and the assistant gave me a Chelsea Kit. sorry love i think you misunderstood me, i said

I want to look like a count!!!

A man goes into church, and sits in the confessional.

He says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Whilst I was on holiday, I cheated on my wife with two 21 year old Russian girls"

The priest replies "Take a whole lemon, cut it in half, and squeeze the juice into a glass. Then drink the contents of the glass"

"Will that purge me of my sins?" said the man."

No" said the priest "But it will wipe the fucking smile off your face"


I was out with a bird last night and it was getting quite intense when she said to me fuck me in the shit hole , I said oh come on im not driving to Bradford at this time of night !


Eskimo goes home gets in his igloo sees his wife crying and ask whats up. she says "my mums died" so he gives her a right good slap. She says "whats that for" He says "for making me laugh when my lips are chapped"

An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4 a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says "Here's one £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls 1 out £65,000, he says "That's the 1, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday jeweller phones old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can U imagine the fuckin weekend I've had!!"

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"