Exceedingly

A guy is watching the football on TV when his parnter turns to him and says: "Honey can you fix the spotlight in the kitchen it keeps flickering"

"Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have NPower written across my forehead? I don't think so" the guy replies.

"Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn't close properly" she adds.

"The fridge door, what now! Do I look as though I have repairman written across my forehead, I don't think so" he replies again.

"Well could you at least fix the decking out on the back of the house, some of it is breaking up and dangerous" she say despairingly.

Hey, I am trying to watch the football here for God's sake, I mean can you see B&Q written across my forehead??? No,I DON'T think so - Bollocks to all this, I'm going down to the pub to watch the game"

So off he goes and drinks until closing time.

When he returns home via the back door of course, he notices that the decking has been fixed.

On entering the kitchen, the spotlight is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly.

Somewhat pleased he asked his parner how come everything is fixed.

She replies:
Well you see..... when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this fit hunky good looking man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a nice cake or let him bang the arse out of me."

"So" the guy enquires "what sort of nice cake did you bake him?"

"HELLO!!!" she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my fucking forehead? No, I DON'T think so.

Is there a problem officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Dear Mr. Gordon Brown

Dear Mr. Gordon Brown,

Rather than bailing out irresponsible banks, I have a solution to fix your economy.
Currently there are just under 8-million workers in the UK aged 50+. Pay each the sum of £1million subject to three conditions being met:

1) They leave their jobs. 8-million vacancies will fix the rise in unemployment.

2) They all buy new British made cars; 8-million cars ordered fixes the motor industry.

3) They all either buy a house or pay off their mortgage, 8-million house purchases fixes the housing market.

Job Done! Next!

Happy Easter

Why Sentence Structure is so Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Oh sir could you jack off?' she says. 'Because I feel like shit today.'