Mens (Improved) Eye Test

Message from the Church

"Oh sorry Ma'am"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast.



They are both startled and he says, "Oh sorry Ma'am, however if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She looks at him and replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1435."

Men!

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband / boyfriend / partner from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Tips from the Top

Wet Pussy

Wife

Is this a good time to call

My Girlfriend Treats Me Like a Doormat.

Binge Drinking

Morning Poem

I woke early this morning,
the earth lay cool and still,
when suddenly a tiny bird,
perched on my window sill,
it sang a song so lovely,
so carefree and so gay,
that slowly all my troubles,
began to slip away,
it sang of far off places,
of laughter and of fun,
it seemed his very song,
brought out the morning sun,
I pulled back the covers,
and crept slowly out of bed,
and gently shut the window,
and crushed his fucking cherpy head,
I'm not a morning person

Why men do not write advice columns

Dear Simon,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 33, my husband is 39 and we have been married
for ten years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was
attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither
of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having
an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mandy Ward


Dear Mandy,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburettor.

I hope this helps.

Dangerous Situation

So you are driving at a constant speed, on your left is a sheer drop, on your right there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you there is a big pink galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level and is also travelling at the same speed as you.

Now what must you do to safely get out of this very highly dangerous situation?











GET THE FUCK OFF THE KIDDIES MERRY - GO - ROUND YOU PISSED UP TWAT!