New hoax - Beware

Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.

Please send this to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse,

DO NOT show them your arse.

This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Stop Animal Testing

Did you hear that Mick Hucknall has been charged with bestial!ty with a rabbit?

He was caught holding back the ears, and quoted in saying the bunny was too tight to mention (",)

Mother & Baby.

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver says, "Wow that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said.

"Here, let me hold your monkey." (",)

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1 - Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2 - Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3 - This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4 - A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5 - What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6 - Isn't life wonderful?
But it's difficult to write while he's banging the arse out of me.

Day 7 - This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8 - I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9 - No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10 - Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11 - I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12 - I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become very dangerous...

Day 13 - Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14 - I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15 - I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16 - The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17 - Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18 - He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

My Stupid Ex Husband

You want to know how stupid my ex husband really is?

1. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

3. He misspells I.Q.

4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

5. Under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics."

6. He tripped over a cordless phone.

7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

8. At the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," he put "Sagittarius."

9. He studied for a blood test.

10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.

11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

12. If he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.

13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.

14. He has a shirt that says "TGIF." He thought stood for "This Goes In Front

15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.

16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.

17. His gene pool needs chlorination.

18. He’s not so much a has-been as a definitely-won’t-be.

19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.

20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

21. He has delusions of adequacy.

22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

23. He would argue with a signpost.

24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.

25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.

28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

29. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

33. If ignorance is bliss, he’s one of the happiest people alive.

34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.

35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.

36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.

37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

38. He is as smart as bait.

39. In an emergency he can’t dial 911, because there’s no 11 on his phone.

40. He doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

42. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

43. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.

46. His receiver is off the hook.

47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.

48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

49. He is dumber than a box of lint.

50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.

51. He is all foam and no beer.

52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. (",)

Telemarketers suck

Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these clowns for good...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're Joe Smo from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Jennie and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Jennie? Is that you? Oh my God! Jennie, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Jennie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Ronald, playing a joke. "Come on, Ronald, cut it out! Seriously, Ronald, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

And last but by no mean least have a listen to this ...(",)
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?

You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ...

" The man sighs and says, "It's fucking started ..." (",)

Blondes ... you gotta love em.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again.

Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is!

My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

(",)

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her."

I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said,

"Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

(",)

A blonde women started to work at a school as a teacher.

It came to break time, and while she was on duty she noticed a girl standing on her own and thought nothing of it.

Later in the day when lunch time came she noticed the same girl on her own again, while other children were enjoying a game of football.

She decided to go over to the girl and asked her if she was alright, the girl replied "Yes" and the teacher said "Why are you always on your own here?" to which the girl replied

"Because I'm the goalie!"

(",)

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?

A. To feed the toilet duck!

(",)

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'CONTAGIOUS.'

She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says,

"The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Tommy has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Tommy?

" Tommy says, "The other day, me and my dad was sitting in the garden, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence.

She had a tiny little toothbrush, and she was painting in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me,

'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'" (",)

The Perfect Password.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to Enter a password..Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his Wife's' attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...E...N..I...S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED.

NOT LONG ENOUGH .

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.

Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.

Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times.

Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair.

Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. (",)

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked with a lovely young lady.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:

"Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all of this came about.

"The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled.

So I offered her a lift.

She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator."

She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday.

The one you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.

"That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"

"Well, that's simple," the husband replied, " See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked,

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore??"

(",)


A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50.

"This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

"The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

"The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?

"Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

(",)

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,

"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere." (",)

Phew!

Just had a lucky escape.

Walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old twat dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately I got the first punch in so that was the end of that.

(",)

Breakfast treat

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She turns and says,

"You've got to make love to me --this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks,

"WOW this is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks,

"What was that all about?"

She explains,

"The egg timer's broken"
(",)

How we turn men down.....

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours . SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must have been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

I Like The Way You're Thinking

Little Tommy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Tommy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Tommy. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Tommy said, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Tommy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.

But I like the way you are thinking." (",)

Hitchhiker

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker.

"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after climbing in the truck.

"It's Snow----Tom Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June---June Miller," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Why I was just thinking ...
Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "....having eight inches of Snow in June?" (",)

Futuristic Motel.

A salesman checked into a A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.

Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,"but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin.

Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the besthaircut of his life."Would wonders never cease!

This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,"Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...... ......... ......

He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents

"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!"

He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands,he was able to withdraw his member.... which now had a button neatly sewn on the end

In The News

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS The AnchorageAlaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

(",)

Quick Thinking.

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.

Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.

At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County court house jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriateto his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It wasan unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor."I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"