Girls Will Be Girls

According to a recent news report, a certain school in Mansfield, North Nottinghamshire was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 6th form girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the Head decided that something had to be done.

So she called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

It would seem there are Teachers, and then there are Educators. (",)

Stupid Questions

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say"hi, my name's John. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centurieshave a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to ahorrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Eh, eh, eh (",)

When you have nothing to lose - GO For It.

PHILADELPHIA, Monday:

The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.

"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie's Angels and There's Something About Mary we thought, sure, that the least we can do for him."

But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined."We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer:

'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"

Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York.

"The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didnt want to know."

With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.

"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten.

"They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you.

What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?" (",)

Y. U. No Speaka Italiarno Eh!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I a come.

Den two asses come together.

I come a once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine, retorted the lady indignantly.

In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. .

Heya, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.(",)

Fantasy and Reality

The honeymoon is over...

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse.

When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors."(",)

Be very careful what you ask for.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartendercan't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his very large muscles, but the man has a head that is two small for the rest of his body.

The bartender hands him the beer and says, 'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it'sreally phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?'

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods.

I heard someone crying for help.

So I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.

''No sh*t?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.

''Keep going!'.

Well I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!

And the frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman.

She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.'

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!

'She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I just ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?

''What next?', asked the bartender.'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ' I want to makesensuous love with you by the stream' She nodded, laid down and beckoned me on.

We made love right there by the stream for hours!! god I was a sex machine.

Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear,

'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?

'I looked at her smiled and replied.... 'How about a little head?' (",)

Not all blonde's are dumb!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped off her little black dress, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

"Moral.

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!(",)

Exceeding your Expectation of the N.H.S.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? (",)

Cutting Corners

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!!! (",)

That Alcohol thing again.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4.Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. (",)

An open letter to Alcohol.

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.

The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, just lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While Iwant to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream old dutch chips)?

I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front doorkey into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan (",)

Sex is good for you

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 387 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 22 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 192 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 112 Calories69
lying down.......................... 178 Calories69
standing up......................... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 386 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 400 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 972 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:20-29 years old........................ 36
Calories30-39 years............................ 80
Calories40-49 years............................ 124
Calories50-59 years............................ 972
Calories60-69 years............................ 2916
Calories70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218
Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories (",)

Do You Feel Lucky?

You are a South African bush pilot.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, then enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within 10 miles has become very popular . . .

You start calculating the distance to the plane door . . . and wonder . .

"Do I feel lucky today?"(",)

"TRUE"

A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting.

She was looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest, something like the man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News.

Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs; for all the hatred to stop; for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall!"
(",)

Coming to a Country Near You!

(",)

Is there a problem officer?

A male driver is pulled over by a female police officer and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Police Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man:

No Miss, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken back light.

Man: Broken back light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that rear light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Officer: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk (",)