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Twins

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously? your kidding me" said the astonished friend.

“Nope, not kidding,” replied the drunk.

“How’ s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole, it’s three-fifteen in the fucking morning!”

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Fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Enter Little Tommy,Little Tommy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Tommy before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Tommy said,

"My aunt Gina has a blouse with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."













The teacher sat down and cried.

Blonde Swimmer

A man met a beautiful blonde women, fell in love with her straight away and decided he wanted to marry her the same day.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

On the first morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Michigan, but I worked both sides of the Lake."

Blonde Diary

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

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DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

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DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about
$80. The Captain invited me to have the dinner with him in his state
room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my boyfriend.

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DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have sex with me he would sink the ship.


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DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved over 1400 lives today.......... Twice !!!

Hello can I help you?