Bra Wars

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Barely Boobs

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Male Chauvinist Pig

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

(",)

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

(",)

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

(",)

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

(",)

Men just dont listen...

Vaughan, a loving husband, was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Listen up, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Vaughan got up really early before work.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Vaughan is not yet well enough to have visitors...

(",)

"Is Debbie there"

A scene from the movie Ruthless People.

Danny De Vito is in his office behind his desk and is being questioned by a cop sitting across from him.

The phone rings and Danny answers ...

Danny: "Hello"

Caller: "Is Debbie there"

Danny: "Debbie? Who's this?"

Caller: "Ralph"

Danny: "Ralph, Debbie's here but can't talk to you right now 'cause she's got my dick in her mouth! Want me to have here call you back when she's done?"

Caller: hangs up

Danny (to the cop who's eyeballs are popping out): "I love wrong numbers!"

(",)

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this.

It is from an orthopedic surgeon........... This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot,

but you can't.

It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are MENTAL......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right ha nd . Your foot will change direction.

(",) I TOLD YOU SO!!!

And there's nothing you can do about it! ;

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so ! !

HAVE FUN.

Little Old Lady

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

(",)

The 5 Key Stages of Sex

1.) The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.) The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Hey Fuck you!"

5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

(",)

Loving Husband

YOWZER

Choice Of Girlfriend

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry.

So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money.

She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

MAY 4th Be With You ....

A man asked his darling wife what she'd like for her birthday.





"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.





On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.





What a day!





He put her on every ride in the park:





* the Death Slide,


* the Wall of Fear,


* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,


* every thing there was.





Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.





Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.





Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.





Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.





What a fabulous adventure!





Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.





He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"





Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.





"I meant my dress size, you big twit!"


****The moral of the story:****


"Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong."

(",)

Ah Well ... MAY 4th Be with You

COW!

Tune in

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £250 to £400.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.