Happy Halloween.

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $800 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.

She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said

"Yeah, right..

Voodoo dick, my ass!" (",)

Blowjob Etiquette

(by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be very grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)


1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Dam! she knew what I was up to ...

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. ...

the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

CAUGHT CHEATING

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." (",)

CN Tower

Did you know the world's tallest building is in Canada?

You may have seen this structure before, but it can still get your attention.

It's called the Canadian National Tower in Toronto and is used for telecommunications.

It's height is 553.3 meters or 1,815 feet so you know it's been photographed a lot.

I'm a big fan of architecture and have gone back and looked at this photo several times.

It's truly amazing. See for yourself....

Check out the picture

Check out the picture (nothing unusual to be seen) than read what follows.


In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60-foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day...

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all...

In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden....

Imagine the groom’s horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...

Neither did friend two ...
Nor three ...
Or four...

Now check out the false beard again...........

Doggie Style.

It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead. (",)

To Do List for Today ...

1. Go to the shopping mall

2. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' shopping carts when they aren't looking.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'I think we have a code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.

5. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpetted areas.

6. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why won't you people leave me alone?'

7. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti depressant prescriptions?

8. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!

9. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

10. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ......'Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!

Have a great day (",)

Indian Bohemian Rhapsody

Indian version of Bohemian Rhapsody

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.

Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras .

Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji,
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango

Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy - Meat!
Byriani (Byriani) Byriani (Byriani) Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back'
Case the loo is quarantined...

Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn

I chunderNo!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees,
I'm on my knees
On his knees,
Oh, there he goes

This vindalooIs about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe,
but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]Korma or dopiazabhaji, naan or saag

Nothing makes a difference

Nothing makes a difference
To meee....(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)

(",)

BWM

A lady walks into a BMW dealership.

She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame.

How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." (",)

Surely the Life Cycle is Backwards!

I think the life cycle is all backwards..........

You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case. (",)

Bet that hurt!

Women's Ass Size Survey

There is a new study report out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway! (",)

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64?

What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........

"Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."" (",)

Bad Signs

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.(",)

Bad Day

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye. (",)

Great Advice from the N.H.S.

Girlie Nights Out.

Why females should avoid a girl's night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Phew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.

" When I asked him why, he said,

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." (",)

Blonde Joke.

A gorgeous redhead girl goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?"

The girl took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more!

She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Infact everywhere she touched it made her scream!

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought as much!" The doctor said ...

"That's a broken finger!!!" (",)