Why I Fired My Secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Julie said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then, Julie knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said,

"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there-on the couch-naked.

New Married Mens Mag - On Sale Now

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10 (",)

Chief Executive Officer

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course.

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The woman below replied,

"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.

You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "Oh very good, you must be in Information Technology!"

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all.

If anything, you've delayed my trip.

"The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management, I would even go as far to say you are probably even a Chief Executive Officer."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met.

But now, somehow, it's my fault." (",)

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

(",)

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car." (",)

The answering machine at the 'Mental Hospital'

"Hello, and welcome to the mental hospital hotline......." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the key pad until representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number and mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to YOU.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. (",)

Have you ever played Charades?

Things that make you go "Mmmmm"

NOW PAY ATTENTION GUYS

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. "It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... (",)

Just Married.

Kevin and Brittany had only been married for two weeks.

Kevin, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Brittany,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Brittany.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Brittany said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Kevin didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Brittany interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Kevin, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, loaded potatoe skins, mushroom caps, onion strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

Don't work too hard.

The 28 Rules of Manhood

The 28 Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. (",)

'PRICELESS'

What a Year !

A Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!! (",)

The Best of the 2006 World Cup.

9 Out of 10 for ZIDANE, he would have got maximum marks if he would have lost his temper and gone wild with a few Cantona Kung Fu kicks as well. What about this Italian sports presenter, while you were watching the big lugs on Gary Liniker, we had our eyes her big .... Personality (",)
It was great going shopping with the wife before each match started, just to pick up a few beers. (",)


Sometimes it was just like watching Brazil.

AVE IT!

Click on this link and then click on zidane !!
http://tonaz.altervista.org/zidane.html

NEWS FLASH

News Flash.......FIFA in doubt over Portugal world cup win against England and It's now alleged that four Portuguese football players failed a drugs test after the match.

If this is confirmed as positive, under World Football Federation rules, paragraph 6 sub section 2e, Portugal will forfeit the quarter final match and England will play France in a Semi Final replay match at a later date (full transcript of the report below)



. .. ..Carlsberg don't issue news flashes, but if they did, they would probably be the best news flash in the world.

Hard Question...!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!






At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?(",)

Best Seller

GUESS WHAT IS THE BEST SELLING BOOK IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW.

GERMANY 3 ITALY 3

Three all is the score for how many times both Germany and Italy have won the World Cup, the Germans have a great record in there own country, expect this match to have it all Goals, Extra Time, Penaltys, Red Cards and more (",)

VUNDER BARR

Well the 2006 World Cup may be over for Sven and Co, but the show just keeps on rolling on for the French, German, Italian and those great Portugal fans, Good luck (",)



Erm, anyone for Tennis?

(",)

INGER LOSE, INGER LOSE, INGER LOSE.

Were going home, were going home
Were going, Englands goinging home...

Everyone seems to know the score

They've seen it all before They just know They're so sure

That England's Gonna throw it away Gonna blow it away But I know they can play 'Cause I remember...

Three Lions on a shirt

Jules Rimet still gleaming

Forty years of hurt Never stopped me dreaming

So many jokes, so many sneers

But all those oh-so-nears Wear you down Through the years

But I still see that tackle by Moore And when Lineker scored Bobby belting the ball

And Nobby Dancing

Three Lions on a shirt Jules Rimet still gleaming

Forty years of hurt Never stopped me dreaming.

**** "THEY THINK IT'S ALL OVER ........ IT IS NOW"*****