Dad

Tip for the summer months

Disco ...

The United States are to send a crack Military Unit to assist Nigerian forces in the hunt for the missing school girls. Britain has also responded to Nigeria's appeal for help. Just moments ago Max Clifford, Stuart Hall, Dave Lee Travis and Rolf Harris were seen boarding an RAF Hercules heading to North Africa.

TRUNKING 4 MENDOUS

A man received the following text from his next door neighbour:

Listen mate, I have something to confess and I want you to know that I am very sorry and promise you it will never, ever happen again.

I have been so riddled with guilt, but beg you please forgive me this once, I have been tapping your wife, using and abusing it day and night when you’re not around. Sometimes I can hardly wait until you have gone to work before I am straight in there, but now I wan't to come clean because when you game home early yesterday you almost caught me in the act.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, looked at his wife in horror, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant to say wifi not wife.

Keeping up the family bond

An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time. Soon the entire town was whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town.

"I don't mean to be prying but folks around here are wonderin why your always order three beers and drink them alone?". "Tis a wee bit odd I would be supposin" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other went to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order two extra beers, whenever we would partake, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with his answer and with the reverence for family and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet. Then one day the man came in and ordered only two beers.

The bartender served them with a heavy heart. Word flew around the hamlet quickly. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender said to the man, "folks around here, me first of all, want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother"

The man pondered for a moment then replied, " You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."