Wish me luck in this years London Marathon. I made 3hrs 12mins and 9 sec last year. This year I will try to beat that, but I get bored and usually turn over and watch something else.


Did you hear about Glen Campbell? Poor guy has got alzheimer's. He's getting cards and letters from people he doesn't even know...


In a club on Saturday night when this really ugly bitch came up to me, and said “give me your number big boy”
I said “have u got a pen?”
She smiled and said “yes”
I said “well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing”.


I’ve heard fifa13 is so realistic, that when you go out John Terry comes round and shags your wife.


A beauty happened at work yesterday...

A bricklayer turned up on the site in his Lamborghini and started laying bricks with a trowel made of gold.
After about an hour the Project Manager's curiosity got the better of him and called him into the office. "What's the deal with the golden trowel?" The guy said "I win obscure bets all the time. For example, I'll bet you £5000 that you have syphilis by 5pm tonight." The PM said "What? No problem! I'll take that bet!" The bricklayer said "Fair enough. But I need proof. You'll have to be examined at 5pm."
5pm arrives and the bricklayer turns up at the office. "OK gaffer. Let's see if you've got syphilis."
The smiling PM whips his clothes off and the bricklayer lifts his testicles up on his trowel to inspect them. "No syphilis. You owe me £5000. How can you make money making daft bets like this?"

The bricklayer says "Open the curtains. You see all these people fighting to see in the window? I bet them £2000 each that I'd have your knackers on my trowel by 5pm!"


As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, wherethey change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.