Cod save the Queen?

An Australian showing of the Oscar-winning film The Queen was turned into a farce by inept subtitles.

It turned the movie, being shown to an audience of deaf people in Sydney, into a comedy of errors.
"Buckingham Palace" appeared on screen as "Burking in Paris" while the question "did you vote?" flashed up as "dead in a boat".

When a character spoke about former prime minister Tony Blair being "educated at Fettes", it appeared on screen as "educated the fattest".
And the observation that "every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today" became "every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today".

The film chronicles the royal family's struggle to meet public expectations in reacting to the death of Princess Diana in a car crash in Paris in 1997.
The outdoor screening of the film was organised by Ryde Council whose spokesman Derek McCarthy conceded the captions were bizarre.

"The copy shown did have some spelling mistakes and interpretations of the script which affected the experience for the deaf community present," he told the Sydney Morning Herald.

Radio Competition

Ask Why

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties )


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know, it never happened)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Some Advice

Are you lonely ?

Friends

Farmer Seamus

A farmer named Seamus had a motor accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

You can kiss my ass

What every office needs

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)







First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day everyone.

Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!


You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign
posted, with double lines, and come upon a bicycle rider.

Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 21 miles, or do you break the law and pass?


Which is the correct choice?





Scroll down...

























Hey why take unnecessary risks?

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

CONGRATULATIONS

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Oh by the way I forgot to mention that this should be in big text because obviously your eyes are now buggered at your age so get your glasses on!!