Tonight I'm gonna be offensive

O.K. Tonight I'm gonna be offensive, Dam right dirty, and funny, Hey If you don't like it you go suck my grandma's tits

You know a guy is fat if his girlfriend tells him "you cum on your own tits tonight"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen??!

Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.

I went to a massage parlour this morning.As the masseuse was rubbing my shoulders she asked me what I did for a living."I'm an actor" I said, "I'm currently shooting a big film in London.""Wow" she smiled, "Are you looking for any extras?"I said, "Yes, a blow job would be great."

Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool.
If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

NASA send 2 monkeys and a woman to the space station , here are the radio conversations.

NASA to monkey 1 , optimise life support systems , and re-calibrate radiation monitoring equiptment.

NASA to monkey 2, Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n) x (5-m3).

NASA to woman, feed the monkeys and touch fucking nothing.