Grand National Day

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Lucylou written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Lucylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologises, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: "What in the world was that for this time?"

WIFE: "That horse you had that bet on called for you this morning."

(",)

A champion jockey is about to enter the big race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear.

Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second fence. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third fence, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF??

He's not deaf - he's blind!!!".

(",)

Riding the favourite at Aintree, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence.

With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second.

He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

(",)

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