I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

“Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

“Why? Because none of them has a sign saying ‘Fuck off back to your own country’. That’s why.”





A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does f--k all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."